


The Top Of My Lungs

by b0ydivision



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Ryden - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 03:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/b0ydivision/pseuds/b0ydivision
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TRIGGER WARNING: descriptions of self harm and bleeding</p>
    </blockquote>





	The Top Of My Lungs

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: descriptions of self harm and bleeding

I heard the pounding at the door and the yells coming from behind it, but they didn’t affect me. I felt the warm, crimson liquid leaking from my wrists, but the cuts didn’t hurt. My heart wasn’t aching like it had for the last few months. I didn’t have any more remorse or sadness in the pit of my stomach. As strange as it sounds, I felt at peace for once. I felt happy, even in the face of death.

“Ryan! Ryan, babe, please open the door!” I wanted to open the door, I really did. But I knew I couldn’t. Not because I physically couldn’t, but because of how much trouble I’d be in. He’d never look at me the same way again. He’d always be worried about me. He’d always be checking my body; my wrists, my legs, my hips for fresh cuts.  He would never fully trust me again and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I let him down like that.

Truthfully, I’d never hurt myself in any way before this night. The thought never even occurred to me. But the pain was too much and I figured it was time for me to just give up.

“Ryan! I’m begging you…  _please_  open the door!” The banging had stopped and he wasn’t twisting the doorknob anymore, but his voice continued. He’d stopped trying to break down the door and now maybe he’d just let me die in peace, sprawled across the bed we picked out together. That seems like so long ago now.

“Please, babe… I’m so sorry… you were right, you were right about everything! About the music, the tour, that show… you were right about it all and I was too fucking stubborn to listen to you and now… please answer me… please…” his voice was still pure velvet, no matter how much I knew the tears were choking him.

I could picture his face as he said it. His big brown eyes overflowing with tears, the corners of his beautiful full lips turned downwards as he tried to convince me there was something worth living for. The thing is; the only good thing left in my life was standing right outside the door, calling my name. And he’d let me down.

I heard him slide his back down the door until his butt hit the floor. I grinned with whatever effort was left in me. His ass was one of the cutest things about him. All of a sudden, something I thought I’d never hear echoed in my ears.

He was crying. In all the time I’d known him, I’d never heard nor seen him cry.

“You don’t know what I would give to hear your voice, baby… I’m so, so,  _so_  sorry…”

A little part of me was a little happy that he was sorry. He should be. After that stunt with Dallon tonight, I had every right to do this to myself.

Since you’re probably uninformed, we were finally in a stable part of our relationship, for the first time in six years. He promised he’d stop the ‘stage gay’ with Dallon, I promised I’d take him back. So at tonight’s show, they got a little drunk—little being an major understatement—and his pants ended up somewhere in the audience and he grabbed Dallon and began kissing him crazily onstage and fondle his man parts while the crowd went fucking crazy. It only lasted for a whole 4 or 5 seconds, but that was it. I couldn’t take anymore. I was done. And when I got back to his dressing room to tell him we were through, I saw something even worse. I’ll leave that to your imagination because I really don’t want to think about it anymore. So I wrote him a note and left it inside the tour bus and I came home, broke a glass and you know the rest.

“Ryan… please don’t do this. I’m sorry.” It was barely a whisper.

I pulled my eyes to the end table in front of me and saw the key to my bedroom door sitting on it. I tried reaching for it but could barely move my arms. As I stretched for it, all I managed to do was roll over a bit and pour blood on most of the bed. Part of me hoped he’d find a way in; I wanted to actually  _see_  him say these things, not just hear them from behind a brick wall.

I felt like I was being pulled away from reality, somewhere different and dark, and everything started looking really fuzzy. There was a creeping feeling of nausea deep in my stomach so I closed my eyes to try to dispel it. All of a sudden I heard one, two, three loud bangs on the door and he burst into the room, screaming my name. “Ryan? Ryan?!” My eyes flew open at how close his voice was.

Horror flooded his now wide eyes as he saw the bloody mess that was me.

“Oh, no… no, no, no, Ryan! God, no!” He fell to his knees beside the bed and held my face in his hands and his tears began falling softly on my face.

“How the hell did you get in?” I whispered slowly.

“I broke down the goddamn door, how the fuck did you think I got in?!” he shouted.

“Wow… sorry for asking.”

Regret pulled his features in all directions as he saw how sad the shouting made me. “No, no, don’t be sorry, we’re gonna get you some help and it’ll go back to normal and we’ll be okay,  _you’ll_  be okay. You’ll see!” He knew I wasn’t one for optimism, but I think the pep talk was mostly aimed towards himself.

It took me a moment to answer. It was hard enough trying to think of the right words to say, let alone articulating them with fluidity.

“I… don’t want help.”

“You… you what?”

“I don’t want help.  _This_ is what I want.”

“But…” He started sobbing again. “Please, Ryan, you’re all I have! What do I do without you? I can’t do it. You’re all that’s kept me going for… for so long. Please, I won’t make it two days without you!”

I smiled lightly, if the pitiful little smirk that I mustered up can even be called a smile. “You’re strong enough. You… you can make it without me, babe…”

“Please, Ryan. Please don’t leave me like this, please, just…  _please_  just let me call for help!”

“No one’s stoppin’ you… but they won’t help me much.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I don’t have a whole lot of time left. You know that damn well.”

“Why the hell did you do this, Ry?” He seemed like he was getting mad.

“It was a long time coming, babe. You can’t say you didn’t see it.”

I examined every little bit of his face that wasn’t blurry at the moment then I watched keenly as he picked up his cell phone and dialed 911, though we both knew they would never get here in time.

“Hello? Listen, I need an ambulance at 742 West Blake-- what? No, listen, my boyfriend slit his wrists, we need help! Like, right now! No, don’t put me on hold--  _Goddamn it!_ ”

I chuckled quietly. He looked back down at me with surprised eyes. “What’s so funny?”

“Why are you trying so hard to f-fix what’s meant to be… b-broken?” I was so cold now.

“Why? Because I love you. I need you! I just… I’ll miss you too much, Ry.”

“I know.” His hand touched my cheek and I tried my best not to cry about this. Not in front of him.

“Why are you leaving me?” he asked so innocently, like a child.

“I don’t belong here. It’ll never work out like we hoped… I know it won’t.”

He looked down to my chest, which was hardly moving up and down anymore, to get away from my eyes. “But you belong with me,” he said quietly.

“Not anymore.” I whispered with a tiny smile pulling at the corner of my lips. I lifted my hand to his chin to raise his eyes to mine, and then let my hand drop back to my side. I brought my hand up again and ran my hand through his hair, to the back of his head and finally pulled his lips to mine for the last time. As we kissed, I felt those ever so familiar sparks fly and felt beyond ecstatic when he pulled back and there was a small glimmer of joy behind the sorrow in his eyes.

I could feel my heartbeat slowing in my chest. I tried desperately to hold on, to stay. I didn’t realize how much I would miss him. His face, his body, his smell, his warmth against me as we said goodnight. But I couldn’t stay, I knew I would be gone in a few minutes and I had to face the fact that I wasn’t getting any older than tonight.

“Can you… do something? For me?” I almost couldn’t form the words.

“Yes, anything, you name it, I’ll do it. What do you need?” He was so eager to help, almost hyper about it.

“Sing.”

“S-sing?”

“Mm-hmm. Just sing to me… before I fall asleep.”

“What do I sing?”

“My favorite.”

“Oh. Uh… ahem…  _if all our life is but a dream, fantastic posing greed, then we should feed our jewelry to the… sea… for diamonds… do appear to be… just like broken glass to me…_ ” his words were being interrupted by meager sobs, but it was still beautiful. I hadn’t heard this song coming straight from his lips in about three years.

“ _And then she says she can’t believe, genius only… comes… along in storms of fabled foreign tongues… tripping eyes and…_ ahem…  _tripping eyes and flooded lungs… northern downpour sends its love…”_

And here comes the best part.

“ _Hey, moon, please forget to fall down… hey, moon… don’t you… go… down…_ ”

The sobs became too thick for him to sing anymore and he just closed his eyes and looked towards the ground. I could barely keep my eyes open now and his face was a jumbled mess through my foggy eyes.

As though he read my mind, he grabbed my hand tightly and whispered, “I love you more than anything in the entire world, Ryan. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel like this was the only option. I wish I could take it all back. I'm sorry and I love you. I love you so much.”

I tried to think of something that would make my last words memorable. Something that was deep and heartfelt and romantic. But all I could think of was those same few words I had said to him almost everyday for the last 6 years.

“I love you, too, Brendon…”

Much too quickly, everything went dark and I heard an ambulance in the distance. The last thing I felt was Brendon laying his head on my chest; sobbing and singing lightly over my now lifeless form.

“ _Hey, moon… don’t you go… down._ ”


End file.
